31. One Flew Over The VA’s Nest

Ok if you are new here, the VA’s homeless Veterans program really wants to only assist only those homeless vets with substance abuse or mental health issues (the 70 percenters they claim and the other 30 percent can just buzz off). I am wondering if the VA has come up with a disclaimer yet though stating that they do not cover any substance abuse or mental health problems that they might have caused? Anyway back to business.

So of course laying in my sleeping bag looking at the stars (tent had a non recoverable accident dental floss just could not repair) where most of my brilliant ideas strike (in case you have not noticed), instead of allowing me to have a restful, non VA-related thought, IT STRUCK ME!

I needed to teach myself to be an insane alcoholic! It is what I have been missing my whole life! The VA has been trying to show me the path! I know, those of you who read my posts are saying “But Wandering Vet, we thought you were. We have shown the VA your web site and they have made special room for you in the Reagan Room at Walter Reed.” yeah yeah. Anyhow, as my hamster was spinning the wheels, my mind went to my cinematic closet and yanked out “One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest”. Everything was going fine until Jack Nicholson came back with a lobotomy and Chief had to kill him…oh dammit I was not ready to die yet.

Ok that left alcoholism. I have a drinking problem. Liquor makes me throw up continuously and wine I cannot stand and gives me headaches. So that leaves beer. Can I just walk in with a six pack and claim I am an alcoholic? Now when you are homeless you have to think in logistics. How much beer does it take to make you an alcoholic? Beer is not easy to carry around. How much beer do I need? How am I going to keep it cold? How much is this going to cost me? How am I going to finance this? My sign what would it say? “Veteran Working on Substance Abuse… Please Donate” Dammit the VA just makes everything so hard. By the time I get a cooler, ice, beer, my back pack etc, I won’t be able to move and will fall down like Ralphies brother in a Christmas Story.

You know…I feel the onset of Tourettes Syndrome coming on! Does that Qualify?


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