376236491.jpgI write at times complaining about how the VA only triages the 70% with Alcohol or Mental Disability. Being on my own, I am getting deeper insights into this.

Being homeless and trying and having to hide this fact from society is hard. It is not like I want the world to know I am a homeless veteran. I do not want the world in real time to know that I am what they call a “vagrant”. I do not advertise myself. I do not hold signs saying “Homeless Veteran Please Help” around areas I frequent. Today I am looking up the Panhandling laws in another city, so I am not seen by others around here. Currently, jobs are running low and I need some money. Monday being Veterans day I need money for food. Maybe I am lucky and there is a “Golden Corral” around. But in this town there is not even a salad bar.

As you have read from previous posts, I do not live in the cities. People do not really know me. I have no car, no real means of support, people just “see me around”. I filled out job applications using made up addresses, but my out of state ID, and no phone number makes it hard. I keep checking back though. I keep myself clean and presentable in case they say yes. They know I am homeless though. They do not bother checking my references.

There are days I almost do not want to get out of my sleeping bag. I have to force myself out into the cold. Makes me think of “Allentown” by Billy Joel. I do it anyway because to stop, I feel I will die. If I move from here I feel it will be the day I miss the job.

I think of my old life, friends, family, girl friend. Tears come. Sometimes grief is debilitating. I am in a pharmacy, they are putting up Christmas decorations and I have to put on my sunglasses and leave tears come so fast. What are the holidays anymore? So this is what it is like. Today is a hard day, thinking of the way my life used to be. Christmas trees, loved ones, family, food, gifts. Only alot of shopping days until this season is over with.

Sorry All, this was a bad day.


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3 Responses to “65.Lonesomeness”

  1. November 11, 2007 at 4:18 pm

    Your last line was poignant…

    For anyone who has ever experienced homelessness, they will tell you that there are few days that are “good.”

    Nonetheless… keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep trying to move ahead.

  2. November 11, 2007 at 5:17 pm

    We are coming up on the time of year when it’s hard for anyone who is away from their family. I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you. But know that you have friends, who keep you in their thoughts.

  3. 3 tbearly
    December 9, 2007 at 12:22 am

    Taking a paper-writing break before my eyes cross from scanning microscopically-tiny citation lists…

    I just read this.

    Smiling for you… sending you a thought, a virtual hug? Not much good, I know.

    Somehow, in whatever way is necessary, you are a person who will not be kept down, and your future includes more friends, good times, cheer, and far fewer tears.

    We’ve not met – perhaps one day we will, one never knows – but I’m thinking of you.

    Back to the fun…


    P.S. ‘Eloquence’ is found in many places; keep writing, we’ll keep reading, and listening, and learning.

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